Why Does C-PTSD Make You Feel Crazy?

By Dr. Betsy Usher

Every child coming from a dysfunctional and abusive family that causes a child to have C-PTSD looks vastly different. So different in fact that most of us don’t even know we are in abusive/dysfunctional families until recently. Compared to your best friend’s family you appeared normal, or perhaps you knew your family was troubled and kept it so well hidden from all your friends that you even denied it was as bad as it was.

As a child you didn’t understand most of what was happening in the family dynamic. You were put into a role such as the rebel, the peacekeeper, the quiet one, the doer (mother) role. You took on one of these or another for survival in a situation you did not yet understand.

The confusion from the chaotic family dynamic felt like you were the bad one, the one that wasn’t seen, heard, understood, and possibly a burden. You literally felt these feelings of being a burden and most likely it was put on to you covertly or overtly. You had zero control over the family dynamic and it pained you to watch it and be part of it.

You were made to grow up too fast in some ways. Having to keep secrets you didn’t quite understand in fear that others would find out what your family really was. Some of you tried to fill your parents’ shoes, taking on the chores and grown up responsibilities. Some of you were the whistleblowers, calling out the family dysfunction, unfair treatment, or not being heard. Some of you were shadows, barely noticed during the full daylight and the dark of night.

It was a lonely cold world. Emotions were not taught, allowed to be felt, and certainly not to be shared. You felt so much and were told your emotions were wrong, bad, and a burden.

If there was covert (hidden) abuse then you felt completely confused. Mother is telling you everything is fine yet you find her hiding in the closet at night sobbing for her mommy. Dad would go to all your school events yet he subtly criticized how you did things, like shake the orange juice incorrectly. How could he be supportive yet make you feel so incapable? How could mother be so together when she was crying and in bed all the time?

You received mixed messages. Family secrets covertly were threatened to be kept hidden. You were kissed; hugged, told I love you, and yet you felt unlovable, like a burden, and completely unseen as you were. It was the definition of confusing.

You may have even been the scapegoat. The family hyper-focused on you and everything that was wrong with the family was because of you. Being the one the family blamed they may have called you mentally ill and if you just would do x y z then everything would be fine and the family would all be okay “again.” Yet, you knew that this wasn’t you, somewhere inside you knew that you weren’t “that bad,” or even bad at all. Although some of us did believe it. We did believe we were that bad, evil even and carried that with us into our teenage and adulthood years.

Once you were grown up you reenact these family dynamics with friends, co-workers, and almost always with your significant other. (Played the same role you did in your family with new people). Odds are you fell in love with another problematic or abusive person that made you feel the exact same way your family did and you took on the same role again knowing in your heart that you aren’t what they say.

This is cognitive dissonance and it is confusing as hell.

It makes you feel literally insane. Like you are living two separate realities. One in the eyes of the problematic people and the one you feel in your heart, gut, soul, brain, intuition, whatever you want to call it.

These problematic people put their mental health issues into you. We call this projection and you bought it because you were a sensitive, caring, intuitive, empathic, loving person that couldn’t believe that they were they ones that were “crazy or bad” so you believed it was you, this entire time, you believed it was you. We call this holding the projection.

However, odds are, the beliefs these problematic people saw you as just wasn’t and isn’t you. It’s the problematic people. This part is hard to believe because for so long you believed you were the bad one. The problem child. Undoing that is no easy feat.

These individuals manipulate you to feel crazy so they don’t have to (gaslighting). They put their issues onto you so they don’t have to deal with them (projection).

All of these experiences would make anyone feel crazy, especially because a part of you knows inside that what they are doing is wrong. It’s the other part of you that knows that makes this all feel so crazy, because see, you don’t completely buy their shit, but….a part of you does. So it makes you feel crazy.

The only way out…….get rid of all the problematic people in your life, yes even your parents and siblings if they are problematic.

All of them.

Get into therapy to find out what your role was and how not to keep recreating it with new people. Otherwise the cycle will continue.

Learn to put healthy boundaries down. Stop worrying about hurting other people’s feelings and learn to tell people no.

Put you first. For the first time in your life, regardless of what they have told you, put you first. Let them go and let you in, all of you, not the person they see you as, the person you are.