What is the Difference Between Abuse & Narcissistic Abuse?
By Dr. Betsy Usher
There are three categories for people let’s say in this area.
One, those with personality disorders (NPD, Anti Social)
Two, Problematic People
Three, Healthy People
We will go in order and talk about the first two.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Abuse:
Narcissistic abuse means that the person, who is the abuser, has narcissistic personality disorder. What this basically means is:
They are lacking empathy for others: Aka they are selfish
Feel Entitled: They don’t feel remorse for hurting you or others, they feel that they are right; they are unable to see themselves at all and can’t take responsibility.
They are always manipulating and not a genuine person.
They want and need power and control
Most importantly: They are unable to change, or grow even with years of therapy. Their personality is rigid, fixed, and in all domains of their life (even if they are capable of hiding it). Personality disorders can change behaviors but they can’t change their core or how they experience the world. This personality disorder started in early childhood and it isn’t going to go away because you can’t reintegrate empathy to someone who doesn’t have it. If it’s gone, it’s gone it isn’t coming back. Lacking empathy allows this person to be abusive without remorse, the ability to look at themselves and be accountable for their actions, and prevents them from relating to the person they are hurting. This person is never going to “get it” and come around. Never.
Problematic People
These are people that have behavior that can be abusive on a continuum. They do not have a personality disorder. They can be emotionally, physically, sexually, financially abusive ect. They trigger toxic shame in you, meaning you are hurt by them and then usually have some sort of reaction that you regret later after you’re out of a fight/flight experience. These people do want power and control like a person with NPD.
What does this mean next to narcissistic abuse?
Honestly, not that much. If they are abusive then they have problematic behavior that is destructive, hurtful, and life changing. Even if only 10% of them is abusive, it is still causing emotional damage and impacting your ability to be you that is confident, comfortable, safe, and loved. True personality disorders are more rare then problematic behaviors, which are everywhere.
I’m guessing one question to this would be:
Does that mean a person who is abusive but doesn’t have NPD can grow and change and get better?
Odds are low, possible, but low. Just because you don’t have NPD doesn’t mean that you have empathy. This person could be lacking empathy and not have a NPD diagnosis. In that case they wouldn’t be able to learn empathy, since it can’t be learned in adulthood and then they would be unable to feel the right type of emotions to relate to you and stop the abuse.
If this question is coming up for you, like I know it would have for me when I first left, then this is a self worth issue to be explored. Trying to change or fix someone’s problematic behavior is a rescue fantasy. This desire is driven by the need to be seen, loved, and special. So special in fact that you were able to change this person to no longer being abusive.
This comes from a childhood reenactment. A reenactment is when you play out similar roles that you had with your parents as a child. Since most likely they were abusive in someway, there is a desire to rescue you and to finally receive the love you wanted as a child from your parents in the form of your partner.
This way the story has a happy ending.
However, it is very uncommon for these reenactments to play out any differently then they continued abuse you endured during childhood and even from then to now.
Instead, saving yourself would be the ultimate recuse if your self worth could be explored and realized.