What Is Sexual Abuse?
By Dr. Betsy Usher
Unfortunately intimate partner sexual abuse is very prevalent in many cultures and most women don’t realize it’s even happening to them. It is rarely talked about and most people are ignorant to understanding the complexity of intimate partner sexual abuse. The lack of education coupled with the objectification of women, and interpersonal ideas about a woman’s duty to be sexually available to their partners/husbands creates the bases of why this topic is still so hidden and misunderstood.
Sexual Predators Makeup:
· Feelings of Entitlement
· Lack of Empathy
· Seeks Power and Control
· Sexist/Misogynistic/Male Privilege Behavior and Attitude
Sexual abuse by a partner is usually starts off slow, builds gradually, is emotionally manipulative, and confusing. Like with all abuse, you don’t know you are being abused until you do.
The predator holds beliefs that they are entitled to your body. The predator sees you as an object not as a person with feelings, needs, and desires. Because they lack empathy, they ignore obvious signs that you are not interested in sex without caring. Their need for power and control drives their sexual impulses. In fact, they like that their partner doesn’t want to engage in sex. They then feel incredibly powerful that they can coerce and or force their partner into sexual acts. Lastly, their views on gender roles validates the abuse they know they are inflicting.
So What Does Sexual Abuse by a Partner Really Look Like?
There is Overt and Covert sexual abuse and they can mix together.
Covert Sexual Abuse
The predator normally has an abnormally high sex drive and are usually addicted to sex and porn. They can masturbate three times a day watching porn where they are fed images of women being dominated, submissive, objectified, and exploited. This feeds and confirms their negative view of women.
In the beginning there may be a lot of text requests for pictures. There are lots of questions for you about sex and curiosity about your sexuality. It usually feels invasive and too soon to be talking about it. There is a looming and constant pressure for sexual engagement with a predator every single time you see them or everyday if you live with them. It doesn’t have to be an obvious pressure; it can just be your intuition feeling the covert (hidden) pressure.
The predator will be the one to always initiate sex. Due to how often your partner want sex you are never given time to build up or cultivate your sexual desires and therefore, you never have the change to build arousal for your partner to be the one to initiate. Your sublet hints that you’re not interested in sex will be ignored. The predator will find ways to manipulate and get you to engage in sex regardless of how you feel. All of this is called coercion. The mere fact that you feel obligated is coercion and that is sexual abuse. As the relationship progresses your partner will not only ignore your hints of not wanting to engage in sex, they may also make statements such as, “I’m a man, I need to have it daily, if you don’t give it to me I’m going to have to get it somewhere else.” They may tell you about arousing past sexual partners to make you feel bad that you aren’t given them what they want in hopes that you will try and keep up with past objects and satisfy them. They may call you names like “whore,” “slut,” “tramp.” They may make comments about how attractive other women are when you are out. They are trying to manipulate you to feel a sense of low self worth so you are easier to control and to assure you won’t leave them.
Here’s the real kicker. They know that you don’t want to have sex and their favorite part is that they get you to do it anyways either by coercion or force. This is when they feel the most power and control; it’s what really gets them going. Showing them fear or sadness only turns them on more.
Now you’ve come to a place in your relationship where you dread changing in front of them, getting out of the shower, and going to bed. You feel the pressure that you need to have sex with them everyday and anytime of day. It’s confusing as you feel that you should want to have sex with your partner and are unsure why you don’t. Their pressure is so subtle and confusing you have not yet realized this is abuse.
Finally one night you are able to say no, you’re too tired or in pain or don’t feel well and you roll over to go to bed. Within minutes he is forcing himself onto you. You most likely dissociate and lay lifeless unsure what to do. You finally used your voice and it didn’t matter. It continues on like this until something wakes you up to realize you are being raped and sexually abused and have been this whole time.
Overt Sexual Abuse
Overt sexual abuse by a partner starts off in a similar way; however, it is more obvious and aggressive over time. The predator will use force and physical threats to get you to perform sexual acts. They will hold you down, try and make you cry, and physically hurt you. They usually only enjoy “rape fantasy” sex. However, in this case it isn’t fantasy, it is reality. They usually only like sex where they are dominate, you are powerless, in a scared and submissive state, and dissociative. They make force you to watch porn, dress in a certain way, perform sexual acts with other men while they watch, force you to be filmed and then act like nothing happened. They may threaten to rape you if you misbehave, upset them, or try and leave them. I’ve even heard stories of men only giving their wives money for shopping if they perform sexual acts for them.
ALWAYS with sexual abuse is emotional/psychological abuse. Due to the abuse you feel worthless, confused, scared, and unsure what to do. Sexual abused coupled with emotional abuse makes it difficult to see, understand, and leave an abusive relationship. Survivors usually feel a great deal of shame and embarrassment and don’t tell the people closest to them due to these feelings. Sexually abuse is extremely confusing, scary, and devastating but there is help and there is away out. Don’t lose hope. Become educated as a starting point.
Below is a link to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. There you can see the definition of sexual abuse, read other’s stories, find resources, and call for help if you need. Leaving an abusive relationship can take time, organization, and safety planning. Above all else, be kind to yourself. You’ve been through enough.
Abuse Defined | The National Domestic Violence Hotline
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