Red Flags For Dating Narcissistic Men

By Dr. Betsy Usher

There is a great book called “How to Spot a Dangerous Man.” In this book she covers many different personality characteristics of dangerous men, how to spot them, and what to look for in the very beginning of dating them, including most of all narcissistic men and psychopaths. I will talk about a few highlight of my experience, this book, other readings, and other stories I have heard.

First, men who ask you a lot of questions, right away, and often. This is a man who is texting you a lot after you first meet or first exchange numbers from a dating site. Often meaning daily and throughout the day. They seem very interested and curious about knowing a lot about you, stuff you may not be ready to share, personal information you should revile over time, and “wife” interview question like “do you clean a lot, are you a tidy person, do you cook, are you wanting kids.” They want to know about past relationships right away and the details of why it ended, how it ended, how many men you’ve been with, ect. For the first few weeks or so they are always available if you text them to talk and check in a few times a day. He is clingy in away. This is the starting grounds for knowing how to be the “perfect man” for you and to begin to know where you are at all times which leader will lead to control. Seems far fetched? Look back at your dangerous men relationships many of them will have started this way.

Second, he seems to agree or share the same thoughts, desires, and attitudes as you. He asks the questions first, it’s usually flattering to have someone so curious about you and also there is a part of you that wants to be open and then compliant so you answer them, he banks on this so he can then show you that he agrees and is the perfect man for you. Remember, narcissists where a mask to their empty insides which allows them to morph into the perfect person you are looking for, he is a predator, looking for the right pray.

Third, he tells you stories about his ex partners that show them as “bitches,” “controlling” “crazy” “won't speak to them” “won't let them see his kids” “had bad fights” “had to call the cops on her” “she was unstable” “she was insane” “she was selfish” “she cheated” “he cheated” “she was so jealous” and so on. First, narcissists always project. Most of the time these will be things he was that he projected she was. Also, if she “was” these things he dated a toxic woman and is attached to toxic relationships and therefore is most likely a toxic person himself, looking for “unstable” women. Any time a man says she won't let him see the kids is a huge red flag or if there were any big traumatic fights. Healthy relationships will not have these and most healthy relationships although hurt at the end, will still end on good terms in a healthy way.

Forth, sexual intimacy is rushed, pushed, and becomes the primary “dating” experience. Sexual intimacy should be a slowly, gradual, and paced experience of dating and building erotica. If by the third date he is pushing for you to come over, you feel pressure to give him some part of you sexually, and you feel he may lose interest if you don’t he is a predator. If he is covertly pushing you and not respecting your boundaries this is a huge red flag. Narcissists see women as objects they are entitled to and may actual feel bored if they don't receive what they feel entitled to. If you pick up on that boredom, impatience, or that he will go get it from someone else if you don't put out, he is objectifying you and ignoring your boundaries covert or overt.

Fifth, speaking of boundaries, he ignores them and pushes them. You tell him you are not able to hangout like you planned tomorrow and he gives you the “what, no!” “I was so excited to see you though, can’t you change your plans for me just this once.” “okay but I won't be able to see you for a week then, I had to schedule this in and am very busy this week if you can’t tonight.”

Lastly, if you just got out of a bad or toxic relationship with another dangerous man and have low self worth, low self esteem, doubt about men, trauma, and are vulnerable. Especially if you had told him any of these things in any type of way such as you just got out of a bad relationship, then he is a predator. A healthy man wouldn’t want to be with a woman who is still struggling with the damage left by another man, he wouldn’t be attracted to someone struggling with trust, and intimacy issues, as well as low self worth. Even if you hadn’t told him you feel this way, they pick up on it, they see it, they know how to ask questions that you covertly show these qualities and they see it as their opportunity. They want women just like this, they have already been groomed and primed and the work won't be as difficult for them to start to tease you, joke with you with put down, start acting jealous and insecure with you and anyone else. A healthy man wants a woman who has worked through this issues, he don't want to rescue her, he wants a life partner read to stand beside him. It is not your fault if you are not there and that’s not what I’m saying. It’s normal and okay for a woman to have to over come these traumas but a predator will want to “rescue” you and will see these as qualities that attracts him to you. That is a major red flag.

There are many more and different types of dangerous men who hid under different masks. It is important to read the books and articles out there about this and to use your intuition after you’ve been educated and have worked through a lot of these trauma in therapy as you are read