What Exactly Is Cognitive Dissonance and How do We Heal it After Abuse?

By Dr. Betsy Usher

This is such an important question to ask and vital to understand and work through after narcissistic abuse. I believe once this is healed and one has a deep understanding of cognitive dissonance, life becomes safer.

I going to put cognitive dissonance into my own words as well as use some of the definition’s terms. Cognitive dissonance is when YOU are dealing with a situation/experience that you feel conflictual about, it could be your belief, memory, attitude, or behavior. Basically, you are unsure of what is the truth in a certain event/situation because you are experiencing two different truths inside your mind.

This is one of the primary methods someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) breaks you down to lose your sense of self and reality.

Now odds are, you were already primed for this in childhood and therefore, at times you may struggle to trust if you remembered events correctly, or that your feelings and experience of a situation were even valid. For example, as a child you and your narcissistic parent had an argument and instead of the parent saying, “I can see how you feel that way,” or “it must be difficult not to trust me,” or “I can see you're angry and me and that’s okay.” This parent would have said, “Oh my god, you're too sensitive.” Or “You think I’m not listening, you never listen (blame shifting). Or “No one else in the family thinks that about me but you (Triangulation).” So, you felt invalid, misunderstood, unseen, and began to question if your experiences were real or valid. You grow up being unsure if how you feel about any situation is okay, allowed, or normal. This leads to a foundation of feeling unsure about most things that are emotionally charged.

As an adult another narcissist enters the picture and tells you, “that never happened, what are you talking about, your too sensitive, you’re so difficult to be with, you're crazy and delusional, and or no one is going to believe you.” After awhile this just takes a toll. You begin to feel stupid for your emotions, afraid to share how you feel, begin to wonder if you’re too sensitive or you believe you're too sensitive, and deep inside you believe you are the problem and everything is your fault. The person with NPD has manipulated you into believing that over many months or years and your early childhood priming for this made it possible. Not your fault.

Now that you are away from the individual with NPD and have hopefully gone no contract UNLESS you have children and then low contact, you need to find your truth. That deep intuition that you have always had. That feeling that something isn’t right. That’s the one. You must come to know your truth. Trust your truth. Go into therapy and tell every story you can find in your mind and know that this was abuse, that you were manipulated but you knew deep down it was not your expierence, that’s why there was cognitive dissonance. There was his side that was abuse and your side that was your truth. The cognitive dissonance is telling you to look at the other side because there you will be with your truth, your lions roar, your warrior paint. That is who you must find and come out dancing to your drum on the other side. Knowing we are valid and that our truth is real is EVERYTHING in healing and making sure this doesn’t happen again.

~God Speed Warrior