What Are the Steps To Leave An Abusive Relationship? What is it Like?

By Dr. Betsy Usher

Complicated question since abuse takes different forms with different people and different survivors. However, this is an important because we need to be: safe, compassionate, educated, resilient, and resourceful. Good news is……..Survivors are already like this, oh yes we are!

Stage 1: Getting Out of the House

This stage is all about safety. Depending on your abuser the day you leave can be the most terrifying and dangerous experience of the abuse. It is super important to have set up a safety plan unless it is an emergency and you need to run in that moment.

I tell my patients to:

1) have a small bag packed in their car or somewhere it will not be found; if there is a chance it will be found do not make one. You can also keep it at your safe friend/family/new apartment place.

A gym bag is a great cover. Have in it:

Extra cell phone charger, clothing (you & children), granola bar/snacks (extra dog food/leach), spare car keys (if possible), tennis shoes, favorite toy (if you have kids), cash, passport, any important documents in a folder, phone numbers of important people on a paper (incase the abuser takes your phone), a calling card (or throw away cell), one week of meds in a bag, jacket, anything else you personally know you will need. Try and grab your computer/tab/kindle on your way out and your ID/wallet.

You must set up your own bank account prior to this if you have a shared one with money in it if possible.

I secretly recorded the last year of the abuse on my phone and I made sure I emailed the tapes (voice memos) to myself and my sister in case something happened. I also used TapeACall whenever he and I talked on the phone to record the verbal and emotional abuse and emailed those.

ALSO…….make sure your GPS track my phone is off on your phone. Google this to find out how to do it. If you forget just turn off your phone; go by a throw away phone and use the phone numbers on your paper or memorize your safe person’s number.

2)Tell a friend you told this may happen, or a date you are leaving so they are expecting you and know to call the cops if you don’t show up at a certain time, or a hotel you already picked your abuser will not know to go to. If you can set up a new apartmentbeforehand then that is the best way to go, or to stay with a safe family member/friend.

3)If it’s planned: gas already in car, place your friend will pick you up or meet you at. Please call and tell someone who is safe and who on your side what is happening soon as you know. Vital.

4) Wait until abuser is asleep, has left, or you can make an excuse (walk the dog, take the kids for a walk, go to see a friend). Try to do the timing they don’t expect anything, if this isn’t possible and you need to run forget everything (but the kids) and just get out. You need to think of a plan now so you have all this set sooner than later in my opinion.

Once You Are Out:

You most likely will be shaking and in a fight/flight trauma state. This is normal. Remind yourself it’s okay to feel this way and follow your plan that you’ve come up with prior with or without your stuff. You’re going to be scared, doubtful, upset, maybe crying, all of this is okay, let it out and keep going.

When you get to your safe place:

If you’re alone call your safe person (therapist/friend/family) and ask for support however you need it. If you go to a person’s house sit down, take deep breaths, and most of all find compassion for yourself. Try not to overthink. Try to just stay in the moment. This will help you think and get you out of fight/flight where you can’t think as well.

NEXT: Log into your bank account and take the money that is yours out, transfer it to your new private account, at the very least change the password so the abuser doesn’t freeze your funds.

NEXT: Turn your phone (computer/tab) off if you can. The abuser will be texting you once they find out and you don’t need to see or read anything they have to offer. You will then need to get new phone number the next day.

The day I left from the hotel I called the National Domestic Abuse Hotline three time because I was so confused on my truth from the gaslighting, I couldn’t decide what was real or if the abuse was real. They are a great resource to look up or call, they were so very helpful. Get Help | The National Domestic Violence Hotline

NEXT: If you have kids: This gets complicated. Taking the children is considered kidnapping, you will need to talk to a lawyer ASAP and the police. I’m not an expert in this area. I myself had my ex-husband sign a paper that I could go to a different state for a few weeks to see my family. I had his permission to go until I got a lawyer and established I was a resident there. It was complicated and difficult, but I did it. But I had to have him sign a paper I wrote up giving me permission in order to take my daughter away from him for a certain amount to time (a vacation!). You can call a lawyer priorand ask how this all works in your state.

If you don’t have kids: Go NO CONTACT. Meaning you never talk to this person again. Ever. They are too good at pulling you back in or creating more damage.

It needs to be said……in the U.S. it takes an average of 7 times to leave an abuser. This is just an average, it could be one and done for you, however, be compassionate if you go back. Put the plan (but changed some) in place again just in case.

Once You’re Free for Real:

Read my article What are the first signs your suffering from C-PTSD: Betsy Usher, PsyD's answer to What are the first signs to recognize you are suffering from C-PTSD?

This will help you recognize the signs and symptoms of the aftermath of trauma you will most likely experience. In a nutshell:

If feels confusing. You go back and forth if you are crazy, if you were the abuser, if you did the right thing, and fear of what will happen next. You may want to contact the abuser; you may miss them; start to rationalize their behavior and think it wasn’t that bad. You may feel dissociated, and paranoid as well. You may also isolate and distrust people for a while. This is all so very common. Most of us will want to go back. It’s confusing to experience this but it’s extremely normal and common. Have compassion for yourself about these feelings. When all this starts to come up it’s time to GET EDUCATED.

Start reading books on abuse, NPD, and C-PTSD, I have lots of articles and so do others on this topic. Get into a support group and get a therapist.

I had NO money. I got on Medicade so I could get a therapist, I got on food stamps so me and my daughter could eat. It’s okay, you’re a survivor, be resilient and resourceful. Some survivors will need to go stay in a shelter for a while until you’re on your feet.

It may feel shameful, lonely, distressing, and you may just want to go home to your abuser. Keep reading, keep learning the truth about what you went through, you must find your truth about the abuse. This will hold you together, so you don’t go back and don’t keep being triggered into flashbacks and toxic shame when they contact you (if you have kids). Education and support are going to be everything to your C-PTSD/trauma and staying away from your abusers and other abusers. Also………it is my opinion to stay single. For a while. Otherwise the odds are you will be with another one until you have healed. This is a big one for me that I believe in.

Then……overtime……when you know your truth……when you’ve had some space, support, and education, you will begin to know yourself and you will begin to discover who you are at this point in your life. You will not be going back to who you were before the abuse, you will be transforming into the person who survived abuse. You will most likely need to do a lot of deep grieving. The kind of crying that hurts your body; where you feel it so deeply your only choice is to let it go. Grieving will be everything to moving forward.

No matter how old you are, how many years you endured the abuse, how little you think you have you must remember this one thing……….You survived, you are a warrior, you are a phoenix, and everything you feel and go through is allowed and okay. Compassion, compassion, compassion. Do the work. Hold your truth. Find your light. Don’t give up until you do. Use every resource you can, reach out for support, and please get into therapy with a therapist who does trauma work (only). Then you can feel light on your face again so you can shine like you were made to.

Years later, I feel contained when before I felt crazy, I feel lovable when before I felt worthless, I feel empowered when before I was powerless, I feel hopeful when before I was empty, I feel peaceful when before I felt chaos, and I feel able to love back when before I thought I was dead inside. Not everyone will feel all these things. I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m not saying you have to, I’m saying I did so I know it’s possible for some.

Each road has different barriers: Money, immigration statues, employment, no family or friends, children, animals, isolated in a small town, trapped in a culture’s expectations, ect. Coupled with low self-worth, depression, fear, chronic fight or flight; it won’t be easy.

But…….if you can be resilient, not give up, overcome each hurtle at a time, there is a different life beyond abuse for you, for your kids, and I swear, although it’s hard, it is better than what I was living in before, that may not be true for everyone I don’t know. Only you will know. Please read my other articles on this topic to get educated so you can make the best decision for you and your family.

I wish you courage, peace, and resilience warrior friends.