Is It Common For Victims Of NPD Abuse to “Overshare?”
By Dr. Betsy Usher
What you are referring to as oversharing is what I, and some other therapists, call spilling.
What is Spilling?
We all know spilling. This is the experience of sharing your story with people that may not, 1) know you well enough to hear the details, 2) care to know the details or your story, 3) they are in inappropriate settings, such as at work, or with a “new best friend” that’s a stranger at a bar, 4) aren’t able or prepared to know how to respond in a way that doesn’t damage you even further.
What does Spilling look like?
Spilling is oversharing your story with a lot of detail, with a lot of emotion or passion, the person usually takes up most of the space in the conversation, leaving little room for others to participate.
Why do they do this?
First of all, the person spilling usually doesn’t know they are doing this. Sometimes a person who has done some work on themselves will recognize, after the fact, that they just spilled all day at work, and it usually leaves them with a feeling of shame and embarrassment.
It isn’t a pleasant feeling, to recognize that you have just spilled.
Usually, this person has a traumatic story they are trying to work out, something that they are trying to make sense of, trying to have people externally validate them, seeking their truth within others and themselves; and they are looking to feel seen, heard, and understood by someone else.
Spilling usually happens when we need to feel seen, heard, and understood; because, somehow, we lost that, or someone took that experience away from us by not seeing us.
Abuse is a perfect example of why someone would spill.
When they finally see the light and understand what is going on, they are trying to make sense of it all, test if they can trust the person they are talking to, get validated, and beseen.
What is the opposite of spilling?
It’s being contained.
Being contained means that you are aware of your emotions, understand where they are coming from. You don’t feel that outside validation is what you are truly seeking, because you have internal validation; you know your truth and story, and have a place to share it if you need, like in therapy.
This is one of the reasons that therapy is so important after abuse. It gives you a place to spill. You take up the entire hour, sharing what you need and want, and as much as you need and want. Then, you usually are feeling heard, seen, understood, validated, and more contained. This way you don’t slowly seep out and spill at workwhen you get triggered.
Once triggered, a flood of emotions can hit you, and spilling becomes the way you try and reregulate, in order to feel validated and be heard.
I do think there is a part of sharing our stories that is a way for us to take our power back.
I feel writing on Quora has been a healthy place for me to share which helps others, which then gives me some of my power back, in a way, because it empowers me. I am not silenced, I have a voice, and it matters.
Spilling is more the experience of not being contained, looking for that containment in or with others.
Here’s the thing, spilling happens.
It happens to all of us. I have caught myself, many times, spilling. It can be used as a way to recognize that you aren’t contained, that you need someone either professional or safe to speak with, in a place and time that helps bring you clarity and comfort.
This means that the person should be helpful, kind, and respectful to your trauma story. Otherwise, the person listening may unintentionally damage you further, by not knowing the right thing to say.
So, don’t feel shameful if you spill. Instead, feel curious and more connected to yourself when you spill, and recognize what you are needing.
That’s all, you just need more support.
No shame in that, after abuse—ever.
Off you go, warriors!