Does Mutual Abuse Exist? If Someone is Reacting to the Abuse is that Abuse?
Mutual Abuse Doesn’t Exist
First we must understand that mutual abuse does not exist. Abuse is about power and control. In an abusive relationship, only one person has power and control. Both people can’t have equal power and control; someone holds it and craves it. The person who has power and control manipulates the victim into 1), getting pushed to their limit so they react back, and 2), believing they are also an abuser (blame shifting).
Reacting Back to Abuse
The abuser knows how to push their victim to a point of pushing back which then “looks” like abuse so the abuser can scream out “Abuser!” When the survivor hits their limit and most likely has C-PTSD, they fight back. Fighting back can include name-calling, physically pushing back, screaming/yelling, and any other ways you have reacted that I didn’t mention. This person wants their freedom back, not power or control. This is a perfect time for the abuser to claim that the survivor is the abuser or also abusive, we call this blame shifting and they are very good at doing this. Self-defense is not being abusive it is surviving.
Blame Shifting
This experience happens so often and covertly that the survivor doesn’t even realize they are doing it for years. The abuser convinces the survivor that, what the survivor believes they are doing, they are the only ones actually doing the abuse.For example, I showed my ex-husband a video on gaslighting when I was still in the beginning phase of trying to open his eyes so he would change. He watched the video in the other room and told me to read an article on BPD since he believed that’s what I had and what was causing the problems in our relationship. When we both finished, he came into the room smiling and said, “We got a big problem, because this isn’t me at all—but it is you.” He shifted the blame back onto me. It was crazy making. Another time I got him to finally admit that he was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. At the end he said, “But you know what, you have been extremely emotionally abusive to me.” He couldn’t just hold what he said, he had to shift the blame back to me, because that is what they do. They cannot take full responsibility, EVER! They will always blame the survivor. It’s part of their personality to not take responsibility, and blame their victim as well, as it is part of their manipulation to make their victim feel confused and doubtful of their experience. Having doubt and wanting to change is a major sign that you are not the abuser. Abusers most of the time do not believe they need to change and feel entitled to how they feel, not doubtful.
Here is the deal, if we continue to let the myth of mutual abuse continue, we are allowing the abusers to gaslight and blame shift the entire community of survivors, and others who believe this myth. It leads to the survivor remaining confused and disempowered.
Here is a link to the abuse hotline for domestic violence that explains abuse: Abuse Defined | The National Domestic Violence Hotline
I’m confident that, once you read about the definition of abuse, as a survivor who defended themselves, you will see that this isn’t you. Once you are reminded that your self-defense is not abuse, speak up in conversations about mutual abuse, so that the myth doesn’t continue on.